Coping with an Incarcerated Loved One

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Coping With an Incarcerated Loved One

 Standing Strong – Coping with an Incarcerated Loved One

It is easy to become overwhelmed when your loved one is incarcerated. You are carrying a heavy burden, and your resources, as well as your patience, likely are stretched thin.

Because this is such a stressful time — mentally, emotionally, physically and financially – it is critical that you actively take steps to care for yourself and your children, and to support your loved one, so that when he or she is released, the transition and return to family life will be as smooth as possible. This booklet outlines nine tactics to help you carry on when your loved one is incarcerated:

I. SUPPORT YOUR LOVED ONE

Maintain regular communication.
Visit your loved one.
Send money, if you can.
Encourage your loved one to take advantage of opportunities for self-improvement.

II. CARE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN

Make a budget.
Pay particular attention to your mental health and emotional well-being.
Give your children extra attention and support.
Expect changes.
Don’t try to go it alone.

III. APPENDIX: BUDGET BASICS, WITH WORKSHEET

I. SUPPORT YOUR LOVED ONE – Much of what you do to support your loved one will echo back to provide comfort and support to you as well.

MAINTAIN REGULAR COMMUNICATION – Incarceration is the removal of a person from society. The most effective means of getting by – for both you and your incarcerated loved one – is to maintain frequent and quality communication, to help close the gap and minimize feelings of isolation. In fact, research shows that regular communication increases the likelihood of long-term success and health for the incarcerated person and his or her family.

Writing letters or emails is the most affordable means of communication, but phone calls allow for more direct, fulfilling interactions. Prisons partner with private companies, such as IC Solutions, to provide phone services. Make sure you understand the fee structure imposed by the telephone company, as it can be confusing and exorbitant. In addition, “video visitation” and “e-messaging” services are available in many facilities. E-messaging is similar to email; video visitation is like using Skype or Facetime to interact with your loved one from home. Again, be sure you know the rates for these services before you use them; electronic communication services can be very expensive.

VISIT YOUR LOVED ONE – While video visitation is a good option if you are unable to travel to visit your loved one in person, nothing can provide the intimacy and comfort of physically being in the same room. However, in order to have a successful visit, you must plan ahead. Here are a few tips:

SCHEDULE YOUR VISIT; DON’T JUST SHOW UP – How often you are permitted to visit (and call) depends on the rules of the facility where your loved one is housed. Generally speaking, the rules reflect the facility’s level of security, so that maximum security prisons maintain the strictest visitation/call policies, while jails are more accessible. In almost every instance, you will have to register or apply for visitation in advance, and the corrections staff may need time to notify and get consent for visitation from your loved one. The facility where your loved one is incarcerated likely has its visitation rules and policies posted online. It’s also a good idea to call the facility before your first visit, to avoid any surprises when you arrive.

ARRIVE EARLY – Try to get to the facility at least 15 minutes ahead of your scheduled visit. You may have to stand in line, and you will need time to get through security.

TRAVEL LIGHT – Make sure you bring valid, government-issued identification; you may need to bring a passport or birth certificate for any children who are visiting with you. Many local jails do not allow cell phones into the building. The best practice is to leave your technology at home or in the car. Some jails have lockers to store your belongings during the visit, so it’s a good idea to bring coins. Do not wear clothing with metal (underwire bras) or excessive jewelry, including body piercings, to avoid setting off metal detectors. Do not bring anything into the facility (e.g., food, cigarettes, gifts) without prior permission.

HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT – No matter how solid your relationship, visitation is likely to be awkward and uncomfortable at best, especially in the beginning. It may be helpful to make a list of things you want to discuss before visiting. Neutral topics, like news and sports, may help ease you both into the conversation and provide a sense of normalcy, while making your loved one feel connected with the outside world. Getting your loved one’s input on family matters – e.g., how to allocate the family’s budget or how to deal with issues affecting children or other family members — will help your loved one preserve a sense of purpose and belonging, and may ease your burden of being the “sole” decision-maker. If your loved one expects to be released soon, you can use this time to work on a release plan that will provide support and aid in reintegration.

SEND MONEY, IF YOU CAN – Money can go a long way toward making incarceration more tolerable. It can be used to buy food, communication supplies (e.g. stamps, envelopes, and writing utensils), clothing and shoes, entertainment, hygiene products, and other goods available from the facility’s commissary. Inmates are not permitted to carry cash; instead, you must deposit funds into an inmate account by phone or online or, possibly, at a kiosk at the facility when you visit in person.

Some facilities use their own money transfer platform. In most places, however, the corrections system partners with a private company, e.g., Western Union or JPay, to provide money transfer services. (JPay, for example, is a private company that contracts with corrections facilities to provide payment portals, communications services and other services to inmates.) As always, know what this service is going to cost you. Look up the fee charged per deposit, and contact a representative from the prison or jail to see if there are cheaper alternatives available. If you believe that your loved one can responsibly manage funds over time, it may be cost-effective to make larger, less frequent deposits in order to limit the total number of transactional fees charged. To get a sense of what these fees might be, you can view availability and pricing for JPay’s money transfer services here: https://www.jpay.com/PMoneyTransfer.aspx

ENCOURAGE YOUR LOVED ONE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OPPORTUNITIES
FOR SELF-IMPROVEMENT

EDUCATIONAL/VOCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES – Most facilities offer opportunities for continuing education and vocational training. Pursuing an education can restore an inmate’s purpose in life and build confidence. In fact, studies show that active participation in these programs increases the likelihood of avoiding disciplinary trouble and successfully reentering society after release. If your loved one is serving a long sentence, educational achievement while incarcerated may be viewed as a sign of rehabilitation, if he or she applies for clemency, parole, or a sentence reduction. It also sets a positive example for the children of incarcerated parents.

The range of educational programming varies significantly across states and facilities. The Federal Bureau of Prisons offers GED tests for a modest price per module. Most state prisons and county jails also administer the GED, and many provide GED prep classes. Earning a GED will allow your loved one to pursue a college degree, whether in prison or upon release. In some states, completing a GED may earn an inmate several months off of his or her sentence.

Like academic programs, vocational training helps give meaning and purpose to inmates’ lives and improves their ability to find employment once they are released. Programming varies from facility to facility, but many state correctional institutions offer training in a wide range of areas, from business to carpentry to restaurant trades.

COMMUNITY SERVICE – Another way for your loved one to pass the time in a meaningful fashion is to participate in community service activities. Again, programming varies widely across facilities, but there are at least some opportunities available in most facilities. Examples including mentoring younger incarcerated persons and volunteering with Habitat for Humanity to build homes for low-income families.

WELLNESS PROGRAMMING – One activity that incarcerated persons often find especially rewarding is spending time with animals, especially dogs. In particular, dogs can have a profoundly positive impact on individuals suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Some facilities offer programs that allow inmates to work with and train dogs. For example, inmates in Florida facilities have access to a program called Teaching Animals and Inmates Life Skills (“TAILS””), which brings in at-risk dogs that might otherwise be euthanized. Such programs are both therapeutic for the inmate and valuable for the populations whom the dogs ultimately serve.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT – Substance abuse treatment is available in virtually all correctional facilities across the country, for any inmate who is willing to participate. Some states, such as New York, offer a broad range of treatment programs of varying length and intensity. Most facilities support Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.