Standing Strong – Coping with an Incarcerated Loved One

SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT

Substance abuse treatment is available in virtually all correctional facilities across the country, for any inmate who is willing to participate. Some states, such as New York, offer a broad range of treatment programs of varying length and intensity. Most facilities support Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

II. CARE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN

MAKE A BUDGET.

Financial worries often accompany the emotional pain of a loved one’s incarceration, especially if the incarcerated person provided some or all of the family’s income.

One of your first tasks should be to create a budget. If you are unsure about how to begin, many resources are available online. Just Google something along the lines of “how to make a family budget,” and find a method that works for you (see, e.g., https://www.mint.com/budgeting-3/how-to-create-a-budget-step-by-step). If you know someone who works as an accountant or has financial planning experience or is just more money-savvy than you, reach out and ask for help. In addition to these resources, we have included a simple budget worksheet at the end of this booklet, which you may find useful.

Your budget must account for your everyday expenses, as well as new expenses arising from your loved one’s incarceration. As noted above, it can be surprisingly expensive to support a loved one in jail or prison. (It is not uncommon, for example, to spend several hundred dollars each month just to communicate with an inmate.) If you have outstanding legal expenses, those also must be accounted for. Have an open, honest conversation with your loved one about any bills that need to be paid; if outstanding debt goes unaddressed, it could damage your credit.

Once you have a budget, you can look for ways to cut costs and stretch your dollar. For example, depending on where you live, one option might be to sell your vehicle(s) and rely on public transportation. Cut back on dining out, entertainment and other unnecessary expenses. Make sure you’re getting the best deal on necessary services, like phone/internet service.

Caution: While sending money is a powerful way to support an incarcerated loved one, make sure you set limits and manage expectations. Decide how much you can afford to send your loved one each month, and stick to it.

PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING.

The prosecution and incarceration of a loved one is a traumatic experience. Try to be kind to yourself and focus on self-care. Watch for changes in your appetite, sleep patterns and daily routine, as well as increased use of alcohol or other substances. These are all signs that, like many people in your situation, you need more emotional and psychological support. Try to find at least one or two supportive family members or friends with whom you feel comfortable sharing your feelings. In addition, even if you don’t notice any of these red flags during the early stages of your loved one’s incarceration, it is wise to explore counseling or therapy. Such services can be expensive if you do not have quality health insurance, but you may be able to find free or low-cost support groups in your community. You also can find support and other resources online  https://strongprisonwivesandfamilies.com/

Meditation, controlled breathing techniques and physical exercise are also proven methods of dealing with the anxiety and depression that often accompany the incarceration of a loved one. Above all, try to be patient with yourself, as almost all family members go through an extensive period of grieving before they adapt to their “new normal.”

GIVE YOUR CHILDREN EXTRA ATTENTION AND SUPPORT.

The emotional trauma inflicted by incarceration is magnified in children. The emotions typically associated with parental prosecution and incarceration range from fear to hopelessness to abandonment to anger. A child whose parent has been sentenced to prison or jail is significantly more likely to be disciplined at school and/or run into trouble with law enforcement.

Children need as much extra attention, love and support as possible during this time. To begin with, remind your child that the situation is not their fault; explain to your child that their mother/father/loved one made a mistake and is not a bad person. Help your child determine the best way to answer questions about the incarceration. Be vigilant about bullying by peers at school, and prepare to advocate for your child if you feel they are being treated differently by classmates or teachers. If possible, arrange for your child to meet with a counselor or other mental health professional.

Many not-for-profit organizations offer services to children of incarcerated parents; some of those organizations are listed here: https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/supporting/support-services/incarceration/.

EXPECT CHANGES.

A period of incarceration changes everything. You will change; your loved one will change; your relationship will change. For example, if the person incarcerated is your spouse or partner, you will need to accept new and greater responsibility in your household. You may have to make decisions you were not previously expected to make, while many decisions you made collaboratively will now be entirely your responsibility. If your spouse or partner earned a portion or all of your family’s income, you may need to make major life changes. That could mean moving to more affordable housing, or moving in with a friend or family member; seeking employment or a second job; applying for public assistance; and/or borrowing from friends and family.

Another common example of change involves religion. Inmates often turn to religion as a source of hope, community, acceptance from peers and, perhaps, redemption. If your family was not particularly religious in the past, you will have to adjust to your loved one’s decision, whether it turns out to be a temporary coping mechanism or a long-term change in lifestyle.

Being resilient in the face of change is not easy. The American Psychological Association has published an online brochure titled, The Road to Resilience, that offers helpful tips. You can find it here: https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.

DON’T TRY TO GO IT ALONE.

Abundant resources are available to help you and your family carry on while your loved one is incarcerated. Here is just a sampling:

• For local services, Google “[County] services for families of incarcerated persons.”
• Sesame Workshop, the non-profit organization behind Sesame Street and other child-focused programming, has a wealth of information on helping children cope with a parent’s incarceration. Visit https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/incarceration/

• The Prison Fellowship website provides a state-by-state inventory of programs that help families of prisoners: https://www.prisonfellowship.org/resources/support-friends-family-of-prisoners/

• The National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated, at Rutgers University, has compiled a directory of programs serving children and families of offenders. The programs are listed alphabetically, here: https://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/resources/directory/national-programs/

• The National Reentry Resource Center, https://csgjusticecenter.org/nrrc, has information to help smooth the transition from incarceration to productive member of society, for both inmates and their loved ones. You can find links to services nationwide here: https://nationalreentryresourcecenter.org/search?search=reentry-services-directory

III. APPENDIX: BUDGET BASICS, WITH WORKSHEET

Creating and living within a budget involves three basic steps:

STEP 1: DETERMINE YOUR MONTHLY DISPOSABLE INCOME

Begin by determining your monthly disposable income after taxes and other deductions. For most people, that means checking your pay stub. If you have other sources of income (e.g., alimony, child support, social security, or pension benefits), include those as well.

STEP 2: TALLY YOUR MONTHLY SPENDING

One way to accomplish this is to keep a daily record of your expenditures for a month or two.

If that is too tedious or time-consuming, you can get a good idea of your spending by reviewing your bank and credit card statements for the past several months. This method won’t track your cash expenditures, however, so you will need to collect receipts for all cash purchases or do your best to estimate them from memory. In addition, make sure you include expenses that occur on a regular, but not monthly, basis, e.g., annual insurance payments or quarterly estimated taxes. Convert these amounts to a monthly expense (e.g. $1,200 a year for car insurance means you need to budget $100 a month). Assign each expenditure to a category, e.g.:

• Housing
• Transportation
• Medical
• Personal/miscellaneous
• Taxes (not taken out of pay).

STEP 3: REPEAT AND ADJUST MONTHLY

Once you know where your money is going, you will be able to determine the minimum you need to earn each month, and then make deliberate decisions about how to allocate that money. This is not a one-and-done task. You need to make a new budget at the start of every month—e.g., a January budget, a February budget. Making a budget each month helps you identify spending patterns and spot red flags (e.g., a steady increase in the amount or frequency of payments to your incarcerated loved one). In short, it helps to keep you “honest” and may even allow you to pay off debt and begin saving money.

A SIMPLE BUDGET WORKSHEET

Use this worksheet as a starting point for preparing your monthly budgets. If you have Excel or another spreadsheet program, you can use these categories to make a spreadsheet that will do the math for you. Alternatively, you can find a number of simple budgeting spreadsheets and templates online that are available for free download.